Sometimes, I doubt myself.
It will start off small; just a tiny fraction of a little piece of me that says ‘you can’t do this’ and then slowly, great parts of my mind start to take over and believe it.
In the last year, I’ve taken on a lot of work. Between school, my part-time job, my full-time (and unpaid) position as an editor-in-chief at CONFRONT Magazine, and the time I dedicate to charity work with CASA Cares, I wonder how I am able to get everything done WELL. Every aspect of my life right now is something that I love (at least in some kind of way- even you, school!) but still, when new ideas for opportunities arise, I’m not entirely certain that I can add more to my plate and do it successfully.
The truth is, I have my ups and downs in all parts of my life. Some days I am doing amazing in school, and other days I am on top of the world at CONFRONT Magazine. I have yet to find the balance between everything, that allows me to feel like I am doing everything right. Sometimes, it still feels like I’m letting someone down, somewhere. I am a perfectionist, so often the person I am letting down is myself. I want to do everything and I want to do it better than I am right now. Other days, it seems like I really have the hang of this crazy life of mine, and really, why not add something else in the mix- just because I can?
I would love to say that I have my life and my future figured out, but every day I’m still learning how wrong I am. It’s not a bad thing, but it certainly can be frustrating. It sometimes feels like the stress and the weight of life at this point in time is enough to crush me; other times I am on top of the world.
It’s been a while since I did anything out of the ordinary. Around the holidays, I settled into the comfort of solitude so that I could focus more on work and on being present in the work that needs to be done right NOW. Although I am still stressed every day now that I’m back at school, I can still feel how I have nestled into a simple routine. The smallest bumps in the road shake me up, yet there was a time just a few months ago when I was searching for big adventures to turn my world upside down- just for the fun of it.
I know exactly where things changed in the last few months and I know why, too. It was easy to just take a step back from the stress of everything and stick to what I KNOW. But now? I’m reverting back to someone who takes less chances and whose focus is set too narrowly on just what needs to be done, rather than on the great things that lie right outside my field of vision.
It’s time to take some steps to become that girl again. It’s time to breathe a little bit more life into my everyday. Because to doubt myself, and to be bored and yet so comfortable with it every single day? That’s not who I want to be. Not in 2013, and hopefully not ever.
I think a large reason why I skipped annual goals this year is, unless they’re very vague, they don’t allow me to take chances based on the realities of my everyday. Monthly intentions, so far, have been keeping me motivated and are easier to focus on, as I don’t lose site of the finish line. I like your post’s title about living with intention – shouldn’t we all be striving to do just that?
Monthly intentions are great as well. I used to do them all the time, but let go of them in the last 6 months or so. Decided to pick it back up in February because like you said, it’s a great way to stay motivated!
You can do it! It’s hard to put yourself out there for discomfort, but it is worth it.
Couldn’t agree more!
I don’t think there is anything wrong in being content with the simpler life. I knew 2013 wasn’t going to be a big year for adventures but I’m learning to be okay with the ordinary. It doesn’t mean I’m not taking big chances (hello, dating and writing 50 guest blogs!)… it just means I am happy in the moment. I am in tune to my body, my choices, and my emotions. Taking chances and doing uncomfortable things and being brave are all things we should always do but I also think you are really doing amazing things right where you are. Between school and CONFRONT and interviews and CASA and just trying to BE… you have a lot on your plate – things you love, yes, but nonetheless, still a lot going on.
I think one of the lessons I learned last year is that none of us will ever figure it out. That’s the beauty and messiness of this life. You just do the best you can, take chances and breathe through the moments. We are where we are supposed to be and finding contentment in that is a big step in finding peace.
As far as doubting yourself goes, I understand this so well. In just about everything I do. Sigh. It’s hard, but I think it all goes back to trusting ourselves and understanding mistakes are going to happen along the way and sometimes, it’s the only way we grow.
Heart you, friend! Sorry for this incredibly long comment. I understand where you are coming from in this post as most of 2012 was crazy for me in this way. Living with intention is such an amazing goal to have and I have no doubt you will find your way there. (Also, I wishwishwish I could loan you my copy of Stratejoy’s Fierce Love course because that went SUCH a long way in helping me find my happy place and my contentment and joy.)
I love what Stephany said to you. Can I just +1 it?
You have a lot on your plate and you just came back from an amazing summer trip to Europe. Be kind to yourself, you amazing woman you.
I love the idea of living with intention. It’s been a constant pull in my life as well. I’m definitely feeling the doubt lately too. I’m trying to refocus on balance (my 2012 goal) because I do feel more “me” when I’ve given myself time to both socialize, work and relax. Hope you can find the right mix for you!
You are awesome. Wish I had more words of encouragement, but I think you are doing great and live a good balance of adventure and routine. HUGS, friend!
Thank you!! <3
I like the idea of living with intention, too, and not just getting through the busy days. This is something I am trying to work on because I have 2 precious months before my big move and I want to make the most of those 2 months!
Yes, I imagine that with your upcoming move, you feel the whole living with intention in your everyday moments more than many others out there right now. It’s just SO important, and when you see that, I think it’s hard to go back to not appreciating it!
Good for you! I think it’s really impressive how self-aware you are of your weaknesses and strengths and are willing to confront (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!) them head on.
Wishing you so much luck and awesome vibes.
Hahaha thanks Caitlin
I’d like to think that I’m able to confront my weaknesses and (hopefully) use them to my advantage, but I think I’m still a long way away from that. Baby steps, though! It’s something I’ve been working on and I don’t think I quite realized it til I read your comment.
There is nothing wrong with taking a step back, but live with intention during the mundane moments of the every day! You’ll also regain energy for the bigger things in life!
I agree. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture, but living with intention, even in the everyday moments, puts everything in perspective for sure.