Sometimes, I doubt myself.
It will start off small; just a tiny fraction of a little piece of me that says ‘you can’t do this’ and then slowly, great parts of my mind start to take over and believe it.
In the last year, I’ve taken on a lot of work. Between school, my part-time job, my full-time (and unpaid) position as an editor-in-chief at CONFRONT Magazine, and the time I dedicate to charity work with CASA Cares, I wonder how I am able to get everything done WELL. Every aspect of my life right now is something that I love (at least in some kind of way- even you, school!) but still, when new ideas for opportunities arise, I’m not entirely certain that I can add more to my plate and do it successfully.
The truth is, I have my ups and downs in all parts of my life. Some days I am doing amazing in school, and other days I am on top of the world at CONFRONT Magazine. I have yet to find the balance between everything, that allows me to feel like I am doing everything right. Sometimes, it still feels like I’m letting someone down, somewhere. I am a perfectionist, so often the person I am letting down is myself. I want to do everything and I want to do it better than I am right now. Other days, it seems like I really have the hang of this crazy life of mine, and really, why not add something else in the mix- just because I can?
I would love to say that I have my life and my future figured out, but every day I’m still learning how wrong I am. It’s not a bad thing, but it certainly can be frustrating. It sometimes feels like the stress and the weight of life at this point in time is enough to crush me; other times I am on top of the world.
It’s been a while since I did anything out of the ordinary. Around the holidays, I settled into the comfort of solitude so that I could focus more on work and on being present in the work that needs to be done right NOW. Although I am still stressed every day now that I’m back at school, I can still feel how I have nestled into a simple routine. The smallest bumps in the road shake me up, yet there was a time just a few months ago when I was searching for big adventures to turn my world upside down- just for the fun of it.
I know exactly where things changed in the last few months and I know why, too. It was easy to just take a step back from the stress of everything and stick to what I KNOW. But now? I’m reverting back to someone who takes less chances and whose focus is set too narrowly on just what needs to be done, rather than on the great things that lie right outside my field of vision.
It’s time to take some steps to become that girl again. It’s time to breathe a little bit more life into my everyday. Because to doubt myself, and to be bored and yet so comfortable with it every single day? That’s not who I want to be. Not in 2013, and hopefully not ever.